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So this is a blog I guess

I’m not exactly sure what I hope to get out of this. I don’t know if anyone will read this, and I don’t know if I really care. I don’t even know if I will continue this. (I have major problems holding hobbies, but you’ll learn more about that later.) 

But what I do know is this:

I hate phone calls.

I hate doorbells.

I hate leaving my home.

The thought of talking to somebody is sometimes enough to make me have a full panic attack.

I can’t open up to people.

I hate asking for help. 

And nobody cares. 
I guess I’ll start with what I feel on a daily basis  I’ve only ever told a hand full of people about a lot of this, I don’t know how to say it out loud. 

As I am typing this I am sick to my stomach, my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty even though it’s cold in my apartment. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears and there’s not even a reason for it. 

Well, maybe there is. I set up a therapy appointment for tomorrow, it’s very short notice and I wasn’t expecting it to happen this fast. However, I took the appointment knowing if I didn’t take action now I never would. I back out of appointments, I back out of plans with friends and family, I make the plans because I know I should but by the time it gets here most if the time I can’t bare to follow through. It’s not that I want to, I just cant

I hate short notice because I don’t have time to prepare for the conversations. Every single way the conversation could possibly go runs through my head constantly. Will I stumble on my words and she not understand me, and I have to repeat myself? I hate repeating myself. Makes me feel like I’ve said something wrong and they just have to make sure they heard me right. 

I hate plans that I have long term too though, because its easier for me to back out.

I just can’t win.

Anyways.

The same thing happens when I try to go outside. Every single thing that could possibly happen runs through my head over and over again. Crossing the street with my son’s stroller, I see a car speeding and hitting the stroller in my mind over and over. I’m sitting at the bus stop, I see someone coming up and robbing me over and over in my head. On the bus I see someone going off (which I’ve whitnessed a few times on the bus.) Or the bus getting in an accident and flips, sometimes it’s something as simple as missing my stop, or somebody talking to me. I’m always seeing something bad happening in my head. 

I can’t even let anybody watch my son.

I feel like I’m just complaining, and I know nobody cares, but maybe laying all of this out will help me get my thoughts in order. I guess this is where I’ll end this here, I don’t know what else to say. Sorry if I’m bad at blogging, I don’t know much about it. 

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Hmm..

A girl needs her momma

I know some of y’all if not everybody out there has lost someone close to them. Ive lost a few people, my brother, great uncle, and great grandma, but about 3 years ago I lost my mom. It was the worst experience of my life. It was very hard on me and I still struggle every day. It’s actually when I noticed my problems getting worse. For the first time I was fully aware that if I tried to commit suicide, I wouldn’t back out or fail this time. I would have pushed through. Lucky for me I guess, that I had some family that really needed me. Sisters that just lost their mom and they couldn’t lose another sibling. An aunt who couldn’t afford to lose anyone else. A dad who couldn’t bare to lose another child. 

But three years later, I still see her face everywhere. Every woman I see, I pick out features that remind me of my mom. A few months after we lost her i was going to work and I saw someone in the parking lot of my job that o thought was my mom. For a second I forgot she was gone and I just wanted to jump out of the car and give her the biggest hug imaginable. But reality crashed back to me in waves of unrelenting torture. Theres so much she has missed and is missing. I just need her. 

I always feel like I’ll run across some social media and see her face and find out she didn’t die. That she just left everyone behind to find better things and so better than the life she’d had so far. I guess to be abandoned us better than for her to have died… I’m always expecting to see her with a new fb under a different name or something. I see profiles with women that look like her sometimes and even though I know it’s not her and it can not be her, my heart races like I’m gonna finally get to talk to her again. 

Every time something reminds me of her or a memory we have together I have a flashback. It’s like in my head, I’m back whenever that memory happened. It’s so real. And then I come back to my senses and the pain feels fresh again. 

I often say something that reminds me of something she’d say. I laugh and if I didn’t know the sound came out of my mouth, I would have thought it was her. I can talk about her for a couple minutes without crying now. But when I think about my son, never meeting the amazingly wonderful person that was my mom, I feel like I can’t breathe. I know she would have absolutely loved him and he would have loved her. I know for a fact that if my mom was still alive I wouldn’t be so damn alone. And i don’t mean any offense to my other family members by that, but a girl needs her mom. You can have the best family in the world, an amazing step mom(like I do) but you still feel so empty without your actual mom there. And that’s why no matter how much I want to at any point in time, I can never kill myself. I will never put my son through this if I can help it. 

What hurts the worst is I’m forgetting her voice… My memory of her is fading and I don’t want to forget her…

Fear

Many people are afraid of different things. The dark, snakes, spiders, clowns ect. As far as I see it those fears are a part of evolution. Snakes and spiders are sometimes dangerous so it makes sense humans would have fears of them. The dark is hard to move around in and if someone were to attack you, you wouldn’t even know where they’re coming from. But what happens when you have these irrational fears? Fears that are hard to escape from. 

I guess you could say that I’m afraid of people. Humans are so dangerous and unpredictable. They’re full of hate and you never know how they’re going to react to anything. 

If a person walks in the room, I’m not going to run away or scream like they’re going to kill me or anything like that, but it makes me so anxious when there are people I don’t know around. I’m so uncomfortable around people. 

Other than the normal fears of spiders, clowns, parasites, anything with stingers, another fear I have is feet. Who is afraid of feet? Like really? I can’t stand the sight of them, if a toe touches me I feel like I’ll throw up. I just hate it. 

I think the reason I’m so afraid of clowns is because you never really know who it is under the makeup. I’m the same way with those people in the mascot costumes. 

Idk just random thoughts I guess. 

Hobbies

I mentioned earlier that I can’t keep a hobby. I have had a lot of hobbies, none of which have stuck with me. 

First I was a poet, and I wrote poetry for years. Won awards, got invited to award ceremonies in different states that I was never able to go to. One day the words just stopped coming to me and I just couldn’t write anymore. 

Then I got really into drawing. I stayed on that for a little while but I could never get to the point I wanted so I quit. 

Tried making videos for YouTube, I was never interesting enough.

I knitted for a while. I learned it for homeschool and I actually like it. I’ve never finished anything I’ve tried to make

I love taking pictures. Of other people, myself, things I find pretty, things I find interesting, ect. I can’t afford a good camera though so everything is low quality and I feel like I’m not good enough to continue. 

Photo editing was and is my favorite. I still do it from time to time ( when I can get my computer to work)

I took up tattooing, mostly myself but I did a few for other people. I loved it, but I’m not good enough and that’s a bad thing to be bad at haha

Baking. I wanted my own bakery but I have to go to school for that and I just can’t fully commit to going to school on a set schedule like that.

 I want to go to school so bad. I’ve always been great at school. I graduated highschool at the top 10 percent of my class. I love school. Always have. I remember when I was a kid I got so mad because school wasn’t in session on the weekends. 

I know my intelligence is going to waste, I know that I have so much potential to be more than I am and I know I could be something my son can be proud of when he gets older but how am I going to learn in school, when I’m focusing on not letting myself hyperventilate and pass out? Or if all that is going on in my mind is everything that can go wrong? Leaving no room for anything else to be thought.

I want to be more than I am. I don’t know how to do it. It seems so unattainable now.

More that’s on my mind…

I’m home alone with the baby all the time. Not being able to step outside of your house has some huge downfalls. I have no friends. Zero. I have a few that call themselves my friends, but I don’t have anybody who I actually see or talk to much  Almost nobody cares unless you’re helping them. And I’ll stand by that to the end, nobody actually cares. 

Now, I’m not saying that for any sympathy. I know you don’t care either (if anybody ever reads this.) It’s just something I’ve come to accept.

 Nobody has cared since I’ve became an adult. Most family included. Then I got pregnant and everyone cared. Until I had him. And I understand that I’m a parent and focus shifts to him, but I’m still a person that needs love. I understand that I’m not around, I’m not a very good friend or family member because of the fact I never leave my home. They know that I have problems with it, they’re understanding of it, but nobody cares enough to visit me, or even to message me and check if I’m okay. People I once thought of as my best friends, the people I was the closest with through highschool have all grown up and moved on leaving me in the dust being the hermit that people used to know.  

My grandma won’t talk to me, didn’t wish my son a happy first birthday, hasn’t said one word to me in months. Even though I’ve reach out to her. I know I don’t visit… I’m sorry… 
Another instance: I lost my insurance. I couldn’t get on any type of discount or payment plan or anything on my therapy. Even though I’m a stay at home mom and my husband only makes enough for basic needs. Even though I need this therapy because I can feel myself getting worse every day. I’m losing everybody because I can’t interact with them -people I thought would always be there for me, a 7 year friendship- I felt like a lost a piece of me. 

                         I’m so lonely