I’m not exactly sure what I hope to get out of this. I don’t know if anyone will read this, and I don’t know if I really care. I don’t even know if I will continue this. (I have major problems holding hobbies, but you’ll learn more about that later.)
But what I do know is this:
I hate phone calls.
I hate doorbells.
I hate leaving my home.
The thought of talking to somebody is sometimes enough to make me have a full panic attack.
I can’t open up to people.
I hate asking for help.
And nobody cares.
I guess I’ll start with what I feel on a daily basis I’ve only ever told a hand full of people about a lot of this, I don’t know how to say it out loud.
As I am typing this I am sick to my stomach, my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty even though it’s cold in my apartment. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears and there’s not even a reason for it.
Well, maybe there is. I set up a therapy appointment for tomorrow, it’s very short notice and I wasn’t expecting it to happen this fast. However, I took the appointment knowing if I didn’t take action now I never would. I back out of appointments, I back out of plans with friends and family, I make the plans because I know I should but by the time it gets here most if the time I can’t bare to follow through. It’s not that I want to, I just cant
I hate short notice because I don’t have time to prepare for the conversations. Every single way the conversation could possibly go runs through my head constantly. Will I stumble on my words and she not understand me, and I have to repeat myself? I hate repeating myself. Makes me feel like I’ve said something wrong and they just have to make sure they heard me right.
I hate plans that I have long term too though, because its easier for me to back out.
I just can’t win.
The same thing happens when I try to go outside. Every single thing that could possibly happen runs through my head over and over again. Crossing the street with my son’s stroller, I see a car speeding and hitting the stroller in my mind over and over. I’m sitting at the bus stop, I see someone coming up and robbing me over and over in my head. On the bus I see someone going off (which I’ve whitnessed a few times on the bus.) Or the bus getting in an accident and flips, sometimes it’s something as simple as missing my stop, or somebody talking to me. I’m always seeing something bad happening in my head.
I can’t even let anybody watch my son.
I feel like I’m just complaining, and I know nobody cares, but maybe laying all of this out will help me get my thoughts in order. I guess this is where I’ll end this here, I don’t know what else to say. Sorry if I’m bad at blogging, I don’t know much about it.